Do you cry?

It was my first day at work. I was equal parts anxious and excited as I settled into my office. I don’t remember what I was doing when my assistant appeared in the doorway. Standing there, they asked me a question – do you cry? I looked at them and asked – what? – because I was not sure I had heard them correctly. They repeated – do you cry? – and then proceeded to tell me that I should not be alarmed if I hear my colleagues crying in their offices because people there cry a lot.

To be honest with you, when this exchange happened, I totally dismissed it as a bizarre one-off. However, I have found myself coming back to this exchange often as it turned out to be a prophetic warning about that workplace and workplaces in general that perpetuate toxic, dysfunctional conditions.

I want to be clear that this post is not about the actual act of crying. We should all have a healthy relationship with crying. This post is also not about weaponized tears, which I will cover in the future. This post is about how we have normalized conditions at our workplaces to the point where no one bothers to ask whether our workplace should drive people to cry, let alone taking action to change conditions.

For example, the year I went up for promotion was an incredibly stressful year. There were no clear guidelines for promotion, which also meant that I did not know what could get in the way. Although I already had no work-life balance, I ramped it up to unsustainable levels. What does this mean? It means that in addition to working evenings and weekends, I also worked during vacations and interrupted one to go into the office, all under the guise of being a team player and not wanting to give the decision-makers anything they could use against me.

Did anyone tell me I had to do these things? No. Did anyone tell me I shouldn’t do these things? No. However, it was implied that I would not be doing myself any favors if I dropped any balls or asked for things to be removed from my plate. It was my first workplace experience with the phenomenon of needing to be twice as good to get half as far. It was also the first time in my professional career that I had to navigate someone who was unqualified for their role who had the ability to derail my promotion. The lack of clarity, politics, and relentless pace was so overwhelming that I finally broke down crying…at home.

As a truth-teller, playing the political game was incredibly difficult for me and continues to be so, as I believe politics has become an accepted way for us to center ego and excuse bad behavior. However, I also knew enough to know that the only way I would “succeed” in that environment was to play the political game and so I did. The way I coped with being inauthentic was to compartmentalize, put up a wall, and focus on the work. Little did I realize how much damage I was doing to myself in the process. What helped mitigate the damage were my supportive inner circle of colleagues and community who provided a safe, nurturing space for me to stay grounded and authentically be myself.

I was promoted, but at what cost? I would later learn from another colleague who was also promoted that a fellow colleague told them that those of us who were of color got promoted because we were of color. It was an absolute gut punch. It really did not matter how hard I worked or how much I accomplished. There would always be people – including my own colleagues – who would assume that I did not earn nor deserve whatever recognition or accolades I receive simply because I am a Black Puerto Rican woman.

Do you cry? I want to turn this question on its head and ask you to consider instead – what is happening in your workplace environment that leads you to cry? How does your workplace environment need to change so that it’s not perpetuating conditions that cause you to cry?